Irreplaceable

One of my most cherished material possessions broke on Saturday.  It was a lamp.  Strange, I know...how can a lamp be so meaningful?  It was a mosaic "Tiffany" type lamp that Christian and I bought at a little antique boutique on our honeymoon...our first "big" purchase together.  In my mind I thought it would last forever.  That it would be handed down for generations.  A lamp.  The dream lasted for 10 years...and then it happened.  I heard the crash from our bedroom down the hall.  Silence.  Then as I ran into the living room I saw Lily and Anya (scared and crying), and the glass mosaic lampshade shattered on the floor.  I cried.  I saw that the girls were ok, and then I sobbed.  I shook my head and cried out that it is "irreplaceable".   Lily came over and hugged me and held me and said "I'm so sorry, Mom".  Then she went into the office and made a "book" for me out of paper on which she drew flowers on the front, lines to write on in the middle, and a picture of my lamp on the back.  Warms my heart:)  As it turns out, Anya was reaching for one of her magnetic blocks on the end table and couldn't reach it, held onto the table to get to it and pulled the whole thing down.  I'm glad they were ok!  But I was/am really sad that our lamp is broken...shattered.  After I swept it up and regrouped, I went to Anya, who was still crying.  I held her and told her I love her more than I loved that lamp or any other thing, that I will always love her, and that I forgive her.  It was an accident, with a little bit of disobedience (she was told not to be playing under that table)...but I know she understood it made me sad, and was sorry and sad about it too.
Since then, God is helping me put the pieces together between my head, heart, and hands.  He is bringing brokenness where I have held on to so much pride.  I pride myself on being able to multitask.  On being able to juggle a lot of roles and responsibilities.  I pride myself on completing tasks and being driven to get through the next 10 before I even celebrate the accomplishment of the first one.  I pride myself on still being involved in "ministry" on campus while being a mom.  I pride myself on a lot of things and I have a lot of pride.  Pride and self focus seem to go together (big surprise), and is the opposite of brokenness and humility.  Tonight I finally realized what I've been feeling and what's been happening since we've been home, and that is...I can't do it all.  I just can't get on the ball.  I'm not on top of everything.  In fact, I feel like I keep trying to get it together, get caught up and get back to "normal" (being in control and balancing everything nicely), and just can't seem to get there.  I've unpacked and settled the home for closure.  I've gotten my 2013 calendar and written important events in it for the entire year to feel a sense of control.  I've balanced the checkbook.  I've sorted, organized, purged material possessions, gotten together with friends, caught up on this blog, and tried to make every day a productive day.  But I haven't felt peace, rest, satisfaction or fulfillment.  Instead, I've felt overwhelmed, burdened, tired, like a failure, guilty, and critical of others.  Of course I feel all of those things...because I am living out of my own power and under my own standard.  I'm making it all about me!  And I am writing to admit I DO NOT HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER, AND NEVER WILL.  My name is Mia, and I WILL let you down.  Praise God that He sent Jesus...and we don't have to do it all perfectly.  He knows I don't have it all together, and definitely sees where I fall short...but loves me and steps in to forgive and carry the burden.  The "default" lie I believe is "if I don't do it, it won't get done".  Really what I'm believing is "If i don't do it, it won't get done the way I want it done (pride=my way is the best way), or when i want it done.  Pride!  Yuck!  I'm disgusted at myself!  But praise God that He won't let me continue on that road.  He has brought brokenness.  In brokenness, there is repentance, rest, a lightened load, peace, a sense of security, and freedom from guilt.  Just as my lamp broke, He is bringing brokenness in the areas I once felt "on top" of.  I don't have the capacity.  I can't do it all.  And I'm not in control.  God does, can, and Is.

The night of the broken lamp incident, Christian's parents were with the girls while we were at a wedding.  Anya looked up at Nana and said "I broke Mommy's lamp."  Nana said "I know, Sweetie".  Anya: "Does God still love me?"  Nana: "Yes!  He will always love you, no matter what!  He loves you very much."  I feel much like I'm in Anya's shoes, crawling up into my Heavenly Father's lap saying "I am prideful and trying to do it all on my own."  God:  "I know, Sweetie"  Me: "I'm so sorry, will you please forgive me?"  God "I already did.  I love you no matter what you do.  You will always be my daughter.  Mia, you are irreplaceable."

Getting back in the swing of life in America

We are finally unpacked and feeling more settled!  The word I used most often in December to answer the question "How are you?" was overwhelmed.  We were packing, unpacking, repacking, living out of our suitcases, unpacking, and repacking again most of the time.  We moved into the house we are renting on December 13th.  I think the main thing that overwhelmed me was the sheer volume of all of our "stuff".  Coming from the context of our little apartment and exposure to such extreme poverty and need in the townships, to trying to figure out where to put what felt like massive piles of boxes, toys and furniture was almost paralyzing.  I literally wanted to cry.  It was kind of unexpected culture shock.  I thought it would be fun and exciting to see all of our stuff after having it in storage for almost 2 years!  But instead, it felt burdensome.  And since we didn't have time to fully unpack before the Christmas celebrations and travels began, being at "home" was not yet restful.  Although it was overwhelming, we were so blessed by friends and family who helped us move, unpack, get us connected to Lily's school, and feel welcomed.  The love and grace in the phone calls and help were overwhelming in themselves (in a good way!).  And we are so blessed to have a house to rent.  It's been a perfect fit!  The kids enjoy riding their bikes outside on the back patio, we have plenty of space, and we are a 10 minute walk to Lily's school.  Huge praise!
The weekend we moved into our house, we had an early Christmas celebration with the Rainbolts, which was fun!  The girls especially enjoyed playing with Bobby and Alexandra's dog. Oakley!

We made it to Nebraska for a quick turn around visit with Christian's Grandpa and Grandma Stricker, and celebrated Grandma's belated 85th birthday.  And then we had a few days to continue to unpack, do some Christmas shopping, wrap presents, and repack, and then we headed to Kansas City for a week to meet my new niece (yay!) and celebrate Christmas (and Christian's birthday) with my immediate and extended Lucas family.  After the 48 hours of travel home from South Africa, the 10 hour drive through Kansas didn't seem too bad.  The DVD player helped:).  We had a nice visit with my Grandpa VanKooten (92) in Concordia, KS over Christmas, and after stopping through my parents house in Goodland we made it home.  By the last few hours of the trip, Anya started crying and saying "I can't sit here anymore!".  It has felt like a lot of sitting and traveling!  But such a blessing to be home with our wonderful families!

The Lucas Family

My sister, Cortney, and niece, Camille Bryn (born Oct 26, 2012)

Ouma and Grandpa Jack with the grandkids

We returned home December 26th, did laundry, repacked and moved into the hotel in Denver for Denver Christmas Conference (9 days).  We had our Stint debrief conference at the same time as DCC, which was really good.  The girls enjoyed time with their Cru friends, and the fun things about living in a hotel:).  The debrief conference gave us time to stop the craziness and process our year and emotions.  We each "mapped" out our year in Cape Town and had 15 minutes to share it with our team.  Then there was time for others to reflect back any patterns seen or thoughts they had about what we shared.  One facilitator said a word picture of a gift came to mind when I shared.  A gift that as you keep unwrapping it, contains other gifts inside.  It really is a great picture of the year.  It was a gift within a gift, and as time goes on, it will continue to be that in our lives...in the many ways the Lord blessed and impacted our lives through South Africa.  The debrief conference gave us a sense of closure with our team, and with our year.  And I am entering 2013 with the gift that will keep on giving...the dear friends we made in Cape Town, and the experiences that molded and changed us into the people and family we are today.
We went to visit Lily's school in December when the kids were in class...but she DID NOT want to go in.  We made it to the entryway of the school, and she was pretty upset.  But when I stopped to think about why, it made sense.  I was asking her to walk into a class room of kids who will all turn their attention to her, the "new girl coming from a year in South Africa", and being singled out with attention is pretty much her worse nightmare!  So, we decided it was best to come back to see the classroom on the teacher workday the day before school started in Jan.  Lily has a great teacher, Mrs Lamb, and two friends in her class, which made all the difference!  Lily was fine when we got to school the first day...until the bell rang.  Then fear won out and she clung to me for dear life and cried.  The school counselor gently pulled her off of me and closed the door.  We prayed for her all morning, and when I picked her up, she was all smiles!  She liked it!  That night we were sharing our "Happys" for the day, and Lily said hers was school!  This was significant, not only because she was so worried and fearful about school, but because she also had gotten a new bike that day, and school won!  Praise God!  Ever since then I just drop her off, and she is comfortable and fine.  She's really enjoying school!

After Lily's first day of Kindergarten with her new bike.

I think the "honeymoon" stage of being home has worn off a bit though.  The other night at dinner I told Lily and Anya some friends were coming over to play, and Lily burst into tears and said "I thought you were going to say Therese was coming over!"  Therese is her best friend from school in South Africa, and she has really missed her.  She cried for a good 20 minutes.  I realized then that she hadn't really "mourned" leaving until that point.  She didn't cry when we left.  But now it is beginning to sink in that we aren't going back.  Just that day Anya said, randomly, in the car "Mom, I miss Africa."  I asked her what she misses, and she said "Everything".  :)  I think many of Anya's first memories will be  in South Africa.   So, we've watched videos and looked at pictures and reminisced.  They bounce back quickly from their sad moments, but can see that they are in transition.
I'm glad to be feeling more like myself again.  After feeling overwhelmed and a step behind throughout December, January has brought time to unpack and catch up with friends and the looming "to do" list.  My dear friend and discipler from college, Leigh Ann, came for a visit last week, which was fun!  And we're gearing up for the start of the semester Tuesday.  Fort Collins and our staff team feel like "home" and we feel welcome and blessed by so many here.  I've almost been taken off guard by the intentional care, prayers, and love we've received by our family and friends...so grateful!  I want to be that kind of friend...and I am starting to feel like I am getting out of survival mode and can start thinking of others again!:)  Whew!