One of my most cherished material possessions broke on Saturday. It was a lamp. Strange, I know...how can a lamp be so meaningful? It was a mosaic "Tiffany" type lamp that Christian and I bought at a little antique boutique on our honeymoon...our first "big" purchase together. In my mind I thought it would last forever. That it would be handed down for generations. A lamp. The dream lasted for 10 years...and then it happened. I heard the crash from our bedroom down the hall. Silence. Then as I ran into the living room I saw Lily and Anya (scared and crying), and the glass mosaic lampshade shattered on the floor. I cried. I saw that the girls were ok, and then I sobbed. I shook my head and cried out that it is "irreplaceable". Lily came over and hugged me and held me and said "I'm so sorry, Mom". Then she went into the office and made a "book" for me out of paper on which she drew flowers on the front, lines to write on in the middle, and a picture of my lamp on the back. Warms my heart:) As it turns out, Anya was reaching for one of her magnetic blocks on the end table and couldn't reach it, held onto the table to get to it and pulled the whole thing down. I'm glad they were ok! But I was/am really sad that our lamp is broken...shattered. After I swept it up and regrouped, I went to Anya, who was still crying. I held her and told her I love her more than I loved that lamp or any other thing, that I will always love her, and that I forgive her. It was an accident, with a little bit of disobedience (she was told not to be playing under that table)...but I know she understood it made me sad, and was sorry and sad about it too.
Since then, God is helping me put the pieces together between my head, heart, and hands. He is bringing brokenness where I have held on to so much pride. I pride myself on being able to multitask. On being able to juggle a lot of roles and responsibilities. I pride myself on completing tasks and being driven to get through the next 10 before I even celebrate the accomplishment of the first one. I pride myself on still being involved in "ministry" on campus while being a mom. I pride myself on a lot of things and I have a lot of pride. Pride and self focus seem to go together (big surprise), and is the opposite of brokenness and humility. Tonight I finally realized what I've been feeling and what's been happening since we've been home, and that is...I can't do it all. I just can't get on the ball. I'm not on top of everything. In fact, I feel like I keep trying to get it together, get caught up and get back to "normal" (being in control and balancing everything nicely), and just can't seem to get there. I've unpacked and settled the home for closure. I've gotten my 2013 calendar and written important events in it for the entire year to feel a sense of control. I've balanced the checkbook. I've sorted, organized, purged material possessions, gotten together with friends, caught up on this blog, and tried to make every day a productive day. But I haven't felt peace, rest, satisfaction or fulfillment. Instead, I've felt overwhelmed, burdened, tired, like a failure, guilty, and critical of others. Of course I feel all of those things...because I am living out of my own power and under my own standard. I'm making it all about me! And I am writing to admit I DO NOT HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER, AND NEVER WILL. My name is Mia, and I WILL let you down. Praise God that He sent Jesus...and we don't have to do it all perfectly. He knows I don't have it all together, and definitely sees where I fall short...but loves me and steps in to forgive and carry the burden. The "default" lie I believe is "if I don't do it, it won't get done". Really what I'm believing is "If i don't do it, it won't get done the way I want it done (pride=my way is the best way), or when i want it done. Pride! Yuck! I'm disgusted at myself! But praise God that He won't let me continue on that road. He has brought brokenness. In brokenness, there is repentance, rest, a lightened load, peace, a sense of security, and freedom from guilt. Just as my lamp broke, He is bringing brokenness in the areas I once felt "on top" of. I don't have the capacity. I can't do it all. And I'm not in control. God does, can, and Is.
The night of the broken lamp incident, Christian's parents were with the girls while we were at a wedding. Anya looked up at Nana and said "I broke Mommy's lamp." Nana said "I know, Sweetie". Anya: "Does God still love me?" Nana: "Yes! He will always love you, no matter what! He loves you very much." I feel much like I'm in Anya's shoes, crawling up into my Heavenly Father's lap saying "I am prideful and trying to do it all on my own." God: "I know, Sweetie" Me: "I'm so sorry, will you please forgive me?" God "I already did. I love you no matter what you do. You will always be my daughter. Mia, you are irreplaceable."
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